Monday, August 17, 2009

Could I run over you, please?

Ever heard of that line - 'Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them?'

I think that holds so true for this particular kind of people in Mumbai....pedestrians. I came across the manual which guides people to being a perfect pedestrian in Mumbai. I will list the highlights. It is in pedestrian first person language.

1) Footpaths aren't meant for walking.
I take an oath to avoid footpaths whenever possible. I will complain that too many footpaths in Mumbai have been encroached upon, so I am not used to walking on them...even empty ones. I will walk on the road next to the footpath, and if a motorist honks me, I will show him attitude..pedestrian attitude, and WILL NOT move. I will complain about the carts/open manholes etc on the footpath and will avoid them, taking the much simpler route of playing with fast moving vehicles. I will not understand that it is ridiculous to complain about vehicles honking me instead of complaining and protesting encroachment.

I will say that the footpaths are dirty if someone insists, knowing of course that the roads are cleaned everyday with Lizol. A stationary tree in the middle of the footpath is more of a threat to me, than moving vehicles.

2) I am God.
Where I tread, is holy ground, so I have a right to go everywhere. You cant question me, be it a motorist or another pedestrian. I was made for walking like a mad man. And I will.

3) I can cross whenever I want. (related to point 2)
It doesnt matter what speed a vehicle is approaching at, I dont even calculate. If I move to cross the road, the world HAS TO STOP. Vehicles HAVE to obey signals, but my signals hold no meaning for me. So what if it is green for the cars, if I want to cross I WILL. If you so much as touch me, you are dead. If you honk at me while I cross the road, I will stop in the middle of the road and show you attitude...pedestrian attitude.
I dont necessarily have to cross in a jiffy. I can take my own sweet time, calculating the value of Pi to the 3ooth decimal. Also, I dont have to cross in a straight line, I can make whatever shape with my footprints on the road. Sometimes I can have fun while doing it, like making a large middle finger on the road with my footprints. I can do so, and you cant tell me anything.
If I am having an argument on the phone or with another pedestrian, I can do so in the middle of the road. You vehicles will just have to wait. I can change my mind without questions from you about where I want to go. So if I rush onto the road suddenly...and then step back casually...tough luck.
I was ver fond of the video game when i was young, that one where the frog has to cross the road full of cars...and I do exactly that on the roads to reminisce how my younger days were spent.

4) Any number of people can walk side by side...on the road.
If I am a group of 3 people, we all will walk shoulder to shoulder. If we are a group of 5, we will still walk shoulder to shoulder. This is because whatever we talk about is of the utmost importance and cannot be said over the shoulder. Plus it is demeaning to walk behind someone when you know them. We can occupy 1/3rd of the road when we walk like this, and if you honk at us, we will show you attitude...pedestrian attitude.

Those are a few of the points that I got. I am trying to learn them right now..Hope I can perfect the art of being a Mumbai pedestrian soon.